done gone crazy

I have no idea how I'm supposed to feel right now. Every minute it's something different. Sometimes I'm thinking of holding him again, wondering if now I'll be alone forever. Sometimes that seems really okay.

Sometimes that seems like hell.

Sometimes I'm thinking of how this is the only possible way I can ever have the life I envisioned for myself. And I'm okay again.

Sometimes I think I'm deserting him. I promised... I promised SO many things... did I lie? Will I ever be able to make those promises again?

Sometimes I'm worried that he'll hate me for this forever. Sometimes I'm worried I'll hate myself for this forever.

Sometimes I'm proud of myself... thinking I CAN do this... knowing that I'm doing what needs to be done, no matter how hard and impossible it may seem.

Sometimes I'm so ashamed that I couldn't make it work. That I don't love him enough to really stick it out and stay through "the hard times". Did I give up on him?

Sometimes I think he's right. I AM overreacting.

Sometimes I think he's out of his fucking mind and I was out of mine to believe him for as long as I have.

Sometimes I think that it is my job to save him... that I'm dooming him to a life of something less than he deserves by leaving. I worry that without me, he has nothing.

And through it all... I think of my son. Always.
No matter what, all I really know for sure is that I need to do what is right for him. He is the only true innocent in this. I have made mistakes. His dad has made mistakes. We both owe it to our son to make the best possible choices now to protect our son.

Fuck this is hard.