Sunday, February 25, 2007

Another brick in the wall

I am having a growing problem with apathy. I have become so accustomed to hurt that I've become numb to pain and built a wall around myself. I see now that I continue to put up the wall for the wrong people, and I hate that I have become like this.

I act hard and tough like I don't care and that this wall is keeping everything out, but inside I want to scream and throw things in anger at letting what is now in the PAST get the better of me as I try to move forward. In some ways the harder things are easier to get over - those are the things you can talk through, sort out. But there are things in my history that can't seem to recover from. Time I can't get back.

I can't even say that it has been a learning experience because saying that implies that there is some value in losing this part of myself... the part that FEELS. It's as though a part of me is paralyzed or dead, that I have lost so much of the good in me that I could be directing to someone else who deserves it. And I let it happen. In fact, I WILLED it to happen. I closed up. I told myself that no one will ever hurt me like that again and I know that no one will. I won't let anyone get close enough to try.

Problem is, I can't figure out how to reclaim the soft parts in my heart... my soul. The wounds are gone now, but as my heart heals, it has not returned to what it once was. It has scabbed and calloused... hardened... never to be vulnerable again. I see now that once you close up, you can't go back. You can never go back. Problem is, I don't know how to go forward either.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

When you're going through hell...

Just keep going.

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