Monday, October 16, 2006
Puzzled
Ever start to question if you really are the person you thought you were? I mean, I've always kinda pictured myself as the kind of person that acts a certain way… y'know, a GOOD person. I mean, shit, I never would have considered myself an angel by any stretch of the imagination (nevermind the halo) but it was easy enough to think of myself as decent. Reasonably kind.
Well behaved...enough anyway.
Imperfect, sure.
Flawed…fine.
But ultimately not a BAD person.
So yeah… I'm plugging away through life with a perception of myself as THIS PERSON. No saint… but a sinner of only mild to moderate proportions. And then one day I wake up and I have to ask myself "What the hell happened to me???. When did I turn into THIS?"
Apparently, and to my immense surprise, it turns out that AM the kind of person that is capable of shitty things. Bad things. Selfish things. My lifelong assessment of myself as "decent" is clearly in need of revision at this point. I mean, sure, not EVERYTHING I do is awful or sinister. I still throw in my two cents for the charity of choice knockin at my door to sell me overpriced chocolate bars. I call my grandma at least once a week and listen to stories about yarn sales and Betty Ann's grandchildren. I have even been known to rake the neighbour's leaves, just outta the goodness of my burgeoning heart. Yes people. I'm capable of staggering acts of humanitarianism.
So yeah...I can see that I'm not consistently horrible. I haven't dismembered any clergy or dabbled in cannibalism. Fuck, I can even honestly say I can't recall ever being INTENTIONALLY cruel in anyway… But does that make me a GOOD person? I'm thinkin not.
Even though I don't suppose I'd qualify for VIP membership on the axis of evil... the truth is, whatever my good intentions, it turns out that I'm STILL a shit. Nope. I can no longer claim to be wholly good and decent. No matter how I try to spin it, the description just doesn't fit anymore.
Now, this creates quite a conundrum for me. It leaves me feeling fragmented… in disarray. Pieces that no longer fit together in the jigsaw puzzle (ahem… genius level analogy) that is me. How do I reconcile these pieces of the puzzle that just DON'T FIT without completely re-configuring my identity?
Do I try to toss out the pieces that don't match with who I thought I was, even though there will be some unmistakable and substantial gaps left in their absence? Or do I need to reconceptualize, redefine... fuck... just start from SCRATCH to allow for these aberrations, knowing that the end product looks nowhere near as GOOD as it once was?
I have to ask myself which is better... a complete me, flawed bits and all... or the GOOD me, colour coordinated, carefully manufactured and yet, in spite of all efforts to conceal the truth, ultimately all full of fuckin holes for anyone that looks close enough to see....
