Sunday, November 26, 2006
There is nothing more powerful than human connection. The need to feel loved. Special. Important to another human being in some way beyond reason. What IS that? Why does it matter so much? Why does it hurt so much when it's not there?
Sometimes I try to reason myself out of it. I think, they're just FEELINGS... and what are those, really? I mean, they don't really mean anything. They're almost imaginary really... They only become real once you share them with someone else. Until then, they are only inside you, the same way a fantasy or a craving or a passing thought is. They don't change anything unless you allow them to.
You COULD let your life be driven by your emotions. By the pursuit of love, happiness, whatever that means to you. And really, it's nothing. Nothing matters. It's fleeting. Temporary. So why let it control you?
Does this make sense? What difference does what's in my head and my heart make to the rest of the world. Isn't what we DO more important than what we say or how we feel? Which matters more?
God, when I think like this, sometimes I just feel overwhelmed by the pointlessness of it all. It seems that everything and yet nothing I do matters. It's infuriating. What's it all supposed to be for anyway? Should I be plugging through life just pursuing my own happiness? Or trying to ensure the happiness of all those around me? (as it's in any way up to me)
If I save enough people from suffering, perhaps I will inadvertently save myself? What about when you find out that the things that will make you happy are bound to crush the ones you love? How do you put your own happiness above theirs? And can you ever really be happy, knowing your choices have caused pain for so many others? Do you choose the lesser of two evils? Or perhaps you simply choose NOT to choose... proceed as usual, hoping life will magically make all the hard decisions for you. When you know that any decision you make is bound to lead to suffering, sometimes the only choice seems to be avoiding the whole damn situation.
I mean, Fuck. I can't handle the responsibility of it all. I don't know when it happened that I became consumed with everyone ELSE'S happiness, as if I ever actually had some control over it. When did I become matron saint of joy and love? When did I decide to take this upon myself? And why do I believe that my choices matter so fucking much to everyone else? Do others think of me and my happiness? Do they hold my life and satisfaction in such high regard that it takes precedence over their own? Would I want them to?
No. I wouldn't. Absolutely not. I don't want others to sacrifice for me. I don't want to be a consideration. And yet, I truly believe that in order for ME to find peace, to find comfort, solace, and dare I say it, real happiness, I must sacrifice myself. The truth is, I don't think I could live with myself if I made choices that are designed for my happiness alone.
So yeah. I'm fucked. I want what I want when I want it. AND I won't be satisfied unless I can have what I want when I want it WITHOUT hurting anyone else. Awesome.
Sometimes I hate being a godamned saint.
Sometimes I try to reason myself out of it. I think, they're just FEELINGS... and what are those, really? I mean, they don't really mean anything. They're almost imaginary really... They only become real once you share them with someone else. Until then, they are only inside you, the same way a fantasy or a craving or a passing thought is. They don't change anything unless you allow them to.
You COULD let your life be driven by your emotions. By the pursuit of love, happiness, whatever that means to you. And really, it's nothing. Nothing matters. It's fleeting. Temporary. So why let it control you?
Does this make sense? What difference does what's in my head and my heart make to the rest of the world. Isn't what we DO more important than what we say or how we feel? Which matters more?
God, when I think like this, sometimes I just feel overwhelmed by the pointlessness of it all. It seems that everything and yet nothing I do matters. It's infuriating. What's it all supposed to be for anyway? Should I be plugging through life just pursuing my own happiness? Or trying to ensure the happiness of all those around me? (as it's in any way up to me)
If I save enough people from suffering, perhaps I will inadvertently save myself? What about when you find out that the things that will make you happy are bound to crush the ones you love? How do you put your own happiness above theirs? And can you ever really be happy, knowing your choices have caused pain for so many others? Do you choose the lesser of two evils? Or perhaps you simply choose NOT to choose... proceed as usual, hoping life will magically make all the hard decisions for you. When you know that any decision you make is bound to lead to suffering, sometimes the only choice seems to be avoiding the whole damn situation.
I mean, Fuck. I can't handle the responsibility of it all. I don't know when it happened that I became consumed with everyone ELSE'S happiness, as if I ever actually had some control over it. When did I become matron saint of joy and love? When did I decide to take this upon myself? And why do I believe that my choices matter so fucking much to everyone else? Do others think of me and my happiness? Do they hold my life and satisfaction in such high regard that it takes precedence over their own? Would I want them to?
No. I wouldn't. Absolutely not. I don't want others to sacrifice for me. I don't want to be a consideration. And yet, I truly believe that in order for ME to find peace, to find comfort, solace, and dare I say it, real happiness, I must sacrifice myself. The truth is, I don't think I could live with myself if I made choices that are designed for my happiness alone.
So yeah. I'm fucked. I want what I want when I want it. AND I won't be satisfied unless I can have what I want when I want it WITHOUT hurting anyone else. Awesome.
Sometimes I hate being a godamned saint.
// posted by 143 @ 10:14 PM 
