done gone crazy

Holy Hell… the sun isn’t up yet and somehow I am. My head’s overflowing a little bit… can’t sleep. So I’m gonna do some stream of consciousness brain dump thing here. Bare (bear?) with me. (or go away if you’d prefer). Suit yourself. (bare… bear… suit… heehee)

I’m thinking about marriage. Not about me GETTING married (God no… we’ve discussed my feelings on that before) but MARRIAGE itself. What it is, what it’s supposed to be.

In some twisted way, marriage to me is equated with saying, “I’m willing to give up my happiness for you”. I’m sure that’s a fucked up way to look at it. I mean, I’m sure no one goes into a marriage thinking that’s really what they’re doing. I think the idea is that you get married because it’s supposed to BRING you happiness. You don’t want to live without this person in your life, you cannot be happy unless he or she is at your side… until…uh oh… one day you discover that you cannot be happy WITH them at your side. But you stay anyway… y’know… cuz you promised.

Yeah… and people wonder why I have no interest in wearing a big fat diamond on my hand?

I find that sooooo many people make that promise and then somehow gradually (or suddenly, who knows?)… CHANGE their minds. Fuck. Not because they’re bad people or selfish or anything like that… but just because maybe it’s a fool’s errand to offer yourself to someone else in this way. I mean, how can you commit your LIFE to someone else and expect that it will bring you happiness?

And if you do… if you SINCERELY believe that you cannot live your life without this person, where they truly mean enough to you at any point in time that you are willing to forego all else for him or her, how can you just CHANGE YOUR MIND? This person meant SO much to you at one time, but not anymore? Huh?

“Ya, hon, this marriage thing has been great and all, but as it turns out, I’m not happy. I know I promised to be your partner til death parts us (etc etc) but this ain’t working for me anymore. You can have the blender if I get the crock pot. See ya around”.

I just don’t get it. What’s love worth anyway… if it really isn’t a permanent state? What’s the point of a promise you don’t keep? That maybe you CAN’T keep? That, if you DO keep it, it means eventually giving up the one and only thing you can really have in this life… your SELF. But wait, that’s the promise, right? I love you so much that I give you my everything. I give you ME.

See? I don’t want to give ME to anyone. Fuck. It’s all I’ve got. And yet, even without ever so much as trying on a pretty white dress, I’ve managed to give up my life in my promises to another.

I know. I hate this side of me. I'm not trying to burst any bubbles, and please, if there's a better or more truthful way to look at things, help me to open my eyes. I really don’t TRY to be such a fatalist. I just don’t see how it’s not doomed. Well… maybe DOOMED isn’t the word. I just think people are continually looking for what will make them happy… when the truth is, what makes us happy at one moment, may be the very thing that will make us sad in the future. And really, we can’t possibly predict what those things will be. All we have are feelings, instincts, rationalizations to steer us and sometimes we wind up horribly lost.

All I want is a fucking map. Hell, at least point me in the right direction! Til then, I’m not moving.

*BTW: I believe in love! I believe in happiness! I just don't believe in marriage as a means for securing either. Thank you. That is all.