done gone crazy

Ich nähere mich dem Ende meines Seils. Sobald ich dorthin komme, fürchte mich ich, dass ich mit ihm mich hängen kann.

I have terminal alexithymia.

Speechless, right?

Go figure

I've caught myself quietly hoping for the doctor's to find something really wrong with me.

I’m figuring something out… I think I need pain more often than I'd like to admit. Maybe it sounds a little twisted, but hear me out… I don’t mean it in a necessarily masochistic sort of way (though sometimes I do like that) but I have a growing appreciation for pain as the impetus for learning, growth, and change.

At the gym, I only know I’m working hard enough when it hurts a little. No pain, no gain, right? And it feels so good when you’re done...when you’ve suffered through, but did it ANYWAY. I always like that pain, standing there, dripping with sweat, chest heaving with exhaustion and a quiet smile of accomplishment on your face.

When I’m in emotional pain… I obsess. I think about things over and over again, trying to understand the meaning of it all. I become a bit of an artist (though not necessarily a good one), searching for ways to format my personal epiphanies. I’m touched by songs, paintings, poetry and I have a depth of awareness that, while crippling sometimes, strangely enriches who I am. I gain enormously in empathy for others and, my principles, values and personal beliefs are truly tested. In that way, I guess there is a part of me that likes this kind of pain too.

I know an affinity for pain must sound ridiculous, but when you look at life as a series of obstacles where you are struggling, clutching and clawing your way though, looking to grow, learn, and ultimately reach your destination, pain is not always such a bad thing. You are motivated by the pain in the moment, a need to push through and get to a different place.

When there is no pain… what motivates a person to grow? How can I find a way to let myself be happy without losing all I have learned in the past few years? How can I continue to grow…….

5 years ago, I loved a man that did not love me back. My days and nights had many empty hours. I smoked often. I was bulimic. I felt vacant and alone. I cried about my life and feared for the future.



2 years ago, I found that I had less and less love for that man. I began to shut down. I blocked out thoughts of the future and did what I could to get through each day.



1 year ago, I was moving into my own home. I was starting over. I was alone, but I was hopeful for what was to come.



6 months ago, I felt loved and blessed. I teared up at thoughts of the future and the promise that it held. I was unapologetically happy.



sigh

Lady, lady, never start
Conversation toward your heart;

Keep your pretty words serene;
Never murmur what you mean.

Show yourself, by word and look,
Swift and shallow as a brook.

Be as cool and quick to go
As a drop of April snow;

Be as delicate and gay
As a cherry flower in May.

Lady, lady, never speak
Of the tears that burn your cheek-

No, she will never win, whose
Words had shown she feared to lose.

Be careful when you wrestle with monsters, lest you thereby become one. For, if you stare long enough into the abyss, the abyss also stares into you.-- Friedrich Nietsche